六四淺談(二): 意識形態

這些年來看到不少對六四的評論, 無論是公開, 傳媒, 私人, 都必定是靠邊站, 因為看起來, 無論是當時人, 或旁觀者, 六四都是一個非黑即白的事件, 敏感度極高.

 我身邊不乏每年都會到維園的熱血朋友, 在他們眼中, 一班純真追求民主自由的學生, 和平地在天安門廣場絕食, 爭取人人基本都應該享有的權利, 當權者理應滿足他們的訴求, 他們竟然下此毒手. 如果有更深歷史背景的, 他們會看六四事件引申為共產政權過去幾十年, 對中國犯下如紅衛兵, 大躍進, 文化大革命, 對異己迫害等種種暴行的「近代作品」; 如果是比較本土的朋友, 他們未必可以為中國作為一個國家而受到的傷害感受太深, 但六四也會是某種見證, 就是在中國共產黨的極權管治下, 香港失去以往的安全感, 這會引申到國民教育, 基本法廿三條, 搶奶粉等中港矛盾的問題.

這種以人性良心跟感受為出發點, 堅持跟學生站在一線的朋友, 他們對中國的近代經濟成就, 對香港的利害關係等論點, 是不以為然的. 他們會說: 「是一部份人富起來, 但人民沒有自由, 根本是不可接受」, 這正正就是民運人士追求的「不自由, 無寧死」的論調. 他們談理想, 夢想, 盡管他們每天都在承受不同程度的利益, 但對於這種凡俗的思想, 基本上是不值一看, 也許更是某種侮辱. 但是他們也分成兩種, 第一種是視利益得到為當然的, 另一種進而會變得更加激進, 將這個議題發揮到, 如香港應該享有更多自由, 更多利益, 更多權利, 更小限制, 最後是通過六四來表達對現今香港政府的不滿.

另一邊箱, 我也有很多願意站在政府一邊的朋友, 甚至不少是來自大陸的親友, 說清楚一點, 他們不是支持政府鎮壓, 而是不以這類「公平公義」題目成為他們生活的中心. 長久以來, 我跟很多香港人一樣, 以為因為中國人民被政府控制資訊, 干預生活等原因, 所以中國人民沒有感受得到六四事件的影響力, 我們一方面為他們感到可憐, 一方面認為如果他們看到我們所看到的, 知道我們所知道的, 一定會跟我們同聲同氣. 可是當中國慢慢開放, 愈來愈多中國的新一代可以自由在外國, 香港甚至國內了解更多關於六四的事, 他們不一定就立即如香港人所想所望, 突然清醒了. 反之, 他們跟很多不支持學運的香港人一樣, 對自身生活質素的追求, 政治經濟的穩定性, 比享有自由民主更重要.

自鄧小平改革開始, 過去幾十年, 中國雖然還有很多不堪入目的地方, 但中國的成就是全世界有目共睹的, 經濟成就也成為中國政府用來對抗人權問題的必需品. 人民整體的生活是慢慢好起來,對在中國成長的人民是深深感受到的.

這種轉變對於一個自小就需要擔心明天有沒有飯吃, 到現在有車有樓的中國人, 跟一個開始就已經在政治相對很穩定, 不憂柴不憂米, 沒有大災大難環境成長的香港人比較, 後者更容易認為經濟改革實在沒有甚麼大不了.

我身邊不少大陸對政府沒有甚麼大意見的親戚朋友, 他們不是暴發戶, 只是中產, 一看到自己的童年從沒有飯吃, 到今天人工不錯, 子女可以出國留學, 國家主動交還以前沒收的土地, 就不甚介意. 他們不是看不到中國種種的不平, 人權, 貪污等問題, 但他們更在意的是一點點的改變, 他們看到中國是一步步向好的方向前進, 學生曾經爭取的自由民主, 對他們來說, 只是次要的需求, 穩定,財富, 家庭, 安全才是主要.

這是我看到六四後學生跟政權的兩種意識形態如何影響到今天, 這也是不用他們說白, 在潛意思已經選擇了的取態, 下一篇我想說說六四的核心爭議.

六四淺談(一): 香港的情意結

又到一年一度的六四,香港應該是全世界對六四深感受的地方之一, 平心而論,六四事件在世界地圖上實在說不上是一件最大的事. 盡管事件發生之後，國際社會大幅譴責中國政府對示威公民使用武力鎮壓，許多西方政府對華實施經濟制裁及禁運武器, 但如今已經變成如何跟中國做生意。 911, 以巴衝突, 歐洲經濟, 世界杯, 甚至近來大阪市長橋下徹對日本二戰慰安婦的言論,都可以更加吸引有國際視野的人的眼球. 但唯獨就是香港每年這個時候, 所有報紙的頭版都是有關六四, 因為香港人對六四事件, 無論情感上及利益上, 都是有其情意結.

當六四發生的時候我只有9歲, 記憶中電視上的影像都是很模糊(實際上也很模糊), 但是旁邊的大人, 氣氛基本上是一致的, 哭的哭, 激動的激動, 傳媒更加是一面倒, 有的說天安門上死傷數千, 有人看到解放軍喝醉酒後向民眾亂槍掃射, 而坦克更加開進廣場胡亂壓偏手無寸鐵的學生.


直到我18歲去英國留學時, 每年香港這些論調也沒變過, 到24年後的今天大致上也一樣. 對六四的看法分為兩個勢力, 中共跟學生, 香港則是民主派跟建制派, 民主派每年都希望「搞大佢」, 而建制派則每年「潛水」, 如果簡單地看, 我會說站在民主派一邊的都是傾向追求自由與理想, 站在建制派一邊的都是傾向追求利益與現實, 但在討論兩邊論調前, 我想先說說六四為甚麼帶給香港這樣大的衝擊.

香港的主流都將六四定位為「八九民運」, 一班「追求自由民主的學生, 被獨裁者進行武力鎮壓」, 而真正對香港人真正的影響, 除了對學生的同情, 是看到中共可以如此對待人民, 這種恐懼令到當時很多香港人, 一想到將來回歸後中央權下的自身安全, 就決定在97前就一定要移民外國, 特別是歐美, 大量的香港人最後就在北美如美國, 加拿大落地生根.

在這兩個「相對」的勢力之間, 是我們一班市民, 市民是容易激動及受感染的, 所以當年的遊行超過100萬名香港市民, 如果以當時650萬的人口計算, 每6個市民就有1個到街上支持學生, 可是市民也是善忘的, 盡管每年維園六四燭光晚會都一直有熱心市民參加, 但如今香港人對平反六四之外, 更多是自身的訴求, 如「反對香港基本法第二十三條」, 「香港普選」, 今年更加有「本土派」不滿愛國主題是出賣港人利益, 而杯葛支聯會, 選擇另起爐灶. 而這種現象在政治圈內更加明顯, 1997年，已故司徒華議員動議「平反六四」, 議員29票贊成、1票反對、4票棄權, 議案獲過半數通過。到今天, 已經變成多數是反對跟棄權.

這種現象關於人性, 以激動而開始的活動, 通常很快消失, 就像以因激情開始的愛情, 必定冷卻得很快. 香港人當年同情學生, 現在香港社會更重視的都是如何買車上樓, 真正在乎民主進程的只有極少數, 而且香港是否需要民主, 也未有共識, 社會上的所謂「民意」和聲音, 都是從幾個單向的源頭發出. 不是說沒有市民悼念六四事件中的死難者, 六四要平反, 但樓也是要買. 我可以想像當香港經濟更向上, 市民的生活更舒適, 有更大的自主權時, 平反六四就只會更進一步, 成為政治人士為自己增加本錢的工具.

而更進一步討論「平反六四」, 實在不是一個具體訴求, 我很夢幻地想, 假設今天中央領導非常開明: 「好, 我們當年是做錯了, 你們認為我應該如何?」 我想香港人不會這樣天真到認為, 香港的政治家只是想中央認個錯就算了. 政治家的野心是一步步的, 如果中央在官方公開認了錯, 他們進一步就要求中央要被打倒, 沒有當權者會容許這樣的事情. 就是最後中央願意平反, 中國也不會跟隨香港的政治要求去平反, 因為最後, 盡管香港人很不願意, 香港的主權還是在中央手上, 而不是在香港人手上. 中央未準備好, 香港更加未準備好, 所以「平反六四」不可能在短期內就會發生的.

今年4月我重遊舊金山, 我的朋友駕車經過一間很平凡的旅館, 他隨手一指, 說當年民運後, 一班流亡美國的核心民運學生, 就是在這裡聚集的, 然後他輕輕加一句: 現在都散晒, 不知他們到哪裡了. 我靜下一想, 也許在某個層次香港人對六四的執著, 比當時參與的民運人士是很不同. 當年在場的學生, 六四的自身的經歷, 而香港人只是很投入的旁觀者.

我絕對不會說當年共產黨鎮壓學生是對, 但我也不認為當年的學生是必然正確, 他們就是正義的代表, 中國的希望, 所以說實我一年維園也沒有去, 也不會打算去. 下一篇我會討論一下當時學生和中央雙方的矛盾, 跟我對最後當權者決定鎮壓背後原因的一些看法.

Living in Year 2099 - reminiscences of my dream

So I had this dream (17/5/2013 before dawn) I really want to talk about, I had many epic dreams in my life, and i always wanted to write them down, yet i guess this is the first time i actually do it.

i have sense (no scientist facts to back me up) that how complicated and how much details your dream have direct connection to the complexity to your brain, and your capability to use it, it is only my guts feeling, that dreams are like the software and your brain is the hardware, if your hardware isn't advance enough, the result you see won't be too impressive, at the same time, if your software isn't powerful enough, no matter how advance your hardware is, it just won't produce anything.

Anyway, before we begin, i wish i am a great artist can truly illustrated every single details and scenes in my dream, because none of these pictures i found on internet come close to what my perspective of the future in my dream, maybe in the future i can find someone to draw precisely as i remembered.

Also bear in mind i had no control over my dream, and i have absolutely no idea how these concept came out, i think it combines a lot of Si-fi movies and futuristic books i watch and read over the years, some of the stuffs i saw have already been discussed in real life, but many of them i think it is truly generated purly from my brain during my dream, some expert say our brain is so locked up due to restriction, rules, logic and emotion suppression in reality when we are awake, when we have self-control, so our brain can only release its true capability when we are in deep sleep, when only we are relax, and not in control.

Living in 2099

Anyway, lets start off with when i realize i am in 2099, i "woke up" in a room, i know it is my home, i was living by myself, i also know it is 2099 (for no particular reason except everything is very futuristic and roughly 100 years from now). My identity haven't changed much from my reality - a typical lower middle class who have to work everyday, but the room is a bit dark, because it is in the evening, my apartment is like in the mid sky, when i look out the windows, i see all buildings in the city is relatively tall compare to nowaday's skyscrapers, due to over-population, everything have to build up vertical, consider 60 billions is hard to handle today in 2013, think of the population will be growing exponentially in 100 years time, think of 300-500 billions of people living on this planet in 2099, things have to develop upward.

City Planning

In my dream, I am living somewhere between 120-140 level of a public housing, already consider to be lower deck, and when i looked out my windows, there are many floors above me, and further way there are some commercial buildings, they are built to be as tall as the earth atmosphere, i don't see buildings, i see a bunch of "sticks" poking to the sky above the cloud, the difference between luxury apartments and normal apartments is that, luxury apartments are set above the cloud, so there are always sunshine, while normal apartments like myself have to accept we will always affected by the weathers.

the material of the building is no more bricks and steel, it is a composition i cannot understand, but the whole apartment is like a single composition, it means it was built as a modules.

As i recall in my dream, my computer is running financial programs 24 hours non-stop, which mining dollars for me,  since the inflation is so high, citizen invented new ways to earn continuous income, many company developed software like mine to mine dollars for normal citizen, since your job will never pay you enough for extra expense. Non of the housing device need to be switch on/off, everything single household devices from cooker, to computer and TV are either in on mode or standby mode, it is off only when they are broken and need to be fixed. All device are linked to the apartment's central system, and the apartment is linked to the building's central system, and the building is linked to the city's central system, and the city is linked to the countries' central system. You don't "switch" things on, you "wake" them up, the city is a like giant organic, each building and apartment is considered as a single cell.

Of course this kind of city planning is only done in major cities, there are places have normal height buildings, and less populated area, country side, national parks, etc.

Yet one thing i can remember very clear is, everything in the city is being optimized, from traffics, pedestrian flow, shopping mall, estimate time to destination. I didn't see many vehicles in my dream, but i have this idea that if i want to buy anything, i will be informed where and how to get it, or ask for delivery to my door. People go out and do not find what they need will be impossible, and cars don't have to wait for pedestrian, and they won't be any car crashes, or hitting people on the road, because everything will be in automation, no traffic lights anymore, things just run extremely smooth and super efficient. Men and vehicles are completely separated. Every facilities will also be optimized for everyone, disables, special needs, when new needs occurs, all the facilities will adapt and add new modules for particular needs in an extreme efficient time manner.

Aircraft? Too much risk!

One thing i notice in my dream is that use of aircraft have been eliminated, aircraft have become antique in 2099, people see flight vehicle as we see steam engine nowadays, because it is too much risk of flying. Instead people are traveling by vacuum bullet train between different countries,  this idea is definitely not from me, i read this concept when i was 5 and it have been sticking in my head forever.

However in my dream i added a bit more explanation to it, the "tube" is so well developed the network come across everywhere between continents, when the tube is at a vacuum status, the train can travel as the speed of bullets, and engineers have more control over then an aircraft which need to deal with turbulence and much more uncertainties. you shoot the train which hover in the middle of the tube by magnetic fields, no more take off, landing risk, no more fiction, air resistance, thus acceleration, safety are all superior than aeroplanes, and the tubes are very flexibility, almost organic, can it adapt to water flow, even earth quakes.

Space travel? It is so not necessary!

In most of the si-fi, like starwar, star trek, spaceship has been invented for exploration, because "space, our final frontier!" and it is attractive and cool. Yet in my dream, spaceships are not so popular, people get to space by space evaluator, works pretty much like the vacuum tube, except it is vertical. People are being "shot" to space inside a carrier, the space stations are orbiting the earth inline with the rotation speed of the earth. Space stations are mainly for commercial, e.g. shopping, romantic dinner, office (because the rent is cheaper outer space than on land).

What about space travel, the exploration, the advantage, like the U.S.S. Enterprise in Star Trek? Space exploration in 2099 is pretty much like going to the Amazon forest, or north pole, do people nowadays find interest in an icebreaker heading to north pole? yes, for scientists and environmental protection organization e.g. green peace, or few individual want to travel far far away for couple months, not so much for a normal citizen, nor the government, because there isn't much useful things out there, and more importantly, people just don't care, they have their own business and family need to deal with on daily basic, not much different from today.

Social Structures

As you can see, the major cities are developed majorly vertical and horizontal in my dream, and left a large amount of airspace only few will use, in order to minimize the risk of flight crashing and incalculable weather.

What about the society? Do unfairness or discrimination have been eliminated? I think i am pretty certain in my dream is that, the system has been advanced and evolved, but human is pretty much the same, i will get back to human in the last section. In my dream, citizen have been specified in such details your ID will have information like: Yim Tien Ho Calvin, Class D3 citizen, address: Apt 4003, section 45D, code 8546A4542, Job: financial service, Nature: Insurance, post: Insurance agents, date of birth: 10/01/1982.

Citizen have been identified into many classes, like you would be in a company, this will help the authority to keep track of all citizen for efficient and effective arrest if any crime happens, as you can imagine, it is extremely difficult to keep a low crime rate when the population of a single city have reached 1 billion.

The lower class, middle class and upper class separation have no changed much, the poor become poorer and the rich do indeed become richer. The lower class live in the bottom of the city or the public housing, the upper class do reach the sky literally because their apartment are all above clouds, and middle class are somewhere in between.

Party in the space, and complaining and fighting at the bottom at the lower deck, there is nothing new under the sun. And for country side, either you are getting some extremely luxury mansion, most of the house are for people who do not enjoy a busy city life.

Religions and Cultures

People who hate religions always dream they will be vanished in the future, in my dream the major religions still exist and become strong, Catholic, Christianity, Islamic and Buddhism do not disappear with the advance of technology, in fact it grows even stronger. And there are many little religions come and go, that have not root deep in the  history. Funny thing i do see a small church at around level 150 from my windows, and a Buddhist temple at another building further away, religions just adapt the culture and changes of this world, as their core value do satisfy human desires, that many do not feel the needs of it, remain deists, atheists or skeptic.

More over, many people still suffer from low-esteem or self-doubt, so there are many guru, psychologist, public figures, spiritual leaders that wrote self-help books or talk show who are earning millions of dollars from it, just like today, you name it, they will have it.

The world will have so much varieties, being classified into detailed catalog in the government's central system, some are legal and some are not, which a lot of people resist to do so today, they will have no choice in the future of my dream.

Laws and Orders

Pretty much the same, but zillions more different new scenario will be applied, things that we find weird or unacceptable today. Think of 200 years ago, even the most forward thinking and open minded person cannot accept many ways we live today, so we called them dinosaurs, and we will be called the same in the future.

It is easy to understand, to govern so many people, things need to be specific and effective, China is doing it right now, holding the largest population of the a single country, manage 13 billions people without proper laws and orders will be impossible, and extremely at risk of collapse. Imagine after 100 years, even a less dense country like USA will become as sizable as China today, and for China, the numbers will be enormous.

There is particular one memory in my dream is that, there is a law enforce on every citizen who know they are going to die, e.g. in the hospital, they have to create a song and sing it when they pass away, yes, a law, i don't know how my brain make that up. The law is base on a proof that creativity and music will somehow help human to accept our final destiny easier, and by expressing it (singing out) will make us go away more peacefully. It is a compulsory act, not a citizen can choose from, yet when this regulation is executed,  it doesn't look very mean, it's more like few doctors and nurse will encourage you to sing it out, and the patients will start singing, some refuse because they don't want to die, but some will accept and go away peacefully. I know it is kinda weird, but what is not in the future at today's standard?

Humanity

 

In my dream, i see high tech artificial limbs, people like Nick Vujicic won't have problem to take care of himself (not like he can't now, but you know what i mean) without any assistance, but you think the technology will kill all the disease and humanity will have all healthy and happy? Precisely the direct opposite, more virus, more disease appeared, people live a longer life, because the medical also offer a counter to the new virus and disease, medical industry will be as important as financial industry today, many new medicines are invented, but at the end of the day, which side is winning? pretty much like today.

genetic engineering is like the new mechanical engineering in the industrial revolution and electronic and digital engineering today. People will keep trying to play the God we can never be, we can start manipulating, altering life, try to change the fate of mankind, but at the end of the day, we can never create life.

Have human evolved? probably not also, our nature is the same in the past, now and will always be the same in the future, the desire for food, drinks, sex, social status, respect, remain the same, the society just give us different package at different stage of human history. There will be people always not happy with their life, people complain the government is the big brother want to control all, people find joy in relationship, suffer from it, office politics, people get fired, there are jerk, punk, nice guy, genius, idiots, nothing change much. Yet overall, human will be degrading as time goes on, no robots or aliens come to destroy us and run our life, we do that to ourselves

There you have it, reminiscences of my dream, I was only standing at the terrace of my level 120+ apartment, and the pictures still inside my head and everything i tried to figure out inside my dream, i am pretty sure the future won't be exactly the same, but i hope you will find this article interesting, even realistic. :D

San Francisco Quick Guide

1. get a data plan first, without google map, you will get lost pretty easy unless you are extremely good with maps and directions. T-mobile have 2 types of plan.

type 1
1. US$50 for 500MB data and call
2. US$60 for 1.5GB data and call
3. US$70 for 2.5GB data and call

there will be extra US$10 activation fee, so you are probably looking at $70-80 for the week.

type 2.
US$3 a day, only 2.5G, pretty slow, for whatsapp and facebook, but cheap. they will only show you type 1, you have to ask for type 2.

2. Free wifi, if you don't want to pay, there is only few places you can have free wifi in the city (except your hotel), the best place is a shopping mall named target, at 789 Mission St, San Francisco. You can access wifi and restroom there, can consider to use it as a check point before you start your day.

3. there are two main street in the city, market street (where all the shops locates), and California street (where one of the cable cars line run through it)



4. China Town and Financial district always stick together just like any city, financial district is considered to be the "wall street" of the west coast.



5. must find a day visit Fishermans Wharf, there are many pier, the key pier is the pier 39, where the restaurant and shops for tourist locates



6.Being a sea lion at Pier 39 is the best job in the world, they just sun bath there everyday and that's it, go visit them. Try crab there for lunch, find a restaurant with good reputation, but it is pretty sure the restaurants at pier 39 will be very tourist kind of expensive.

7. can take a boat trip there too, there are 2 boat trips, one just circle around up to golden gate bridge, the other one will land on Alcatraz which is called Alcatraz Cruises, at Pier 33, Alcatraz island was a famous jail for extreme dangerous criminal, also where the Nicolas Cage's film "the rock" was filmed.

 

8. cable cars have 3 lines, http://www.sfcablecar.com/routes.html, single trip cost US$6, a day pass will give you access to underground, tram and cable cars for only US$14, so get one unless you want to walk all day on the hills like i did.

 

9. go up Russian hill and Nob hill by cable cars, where the famous Lombard street locate, take pictures is essential.



10. if you travel cable cars as a tourist, remember to hop on at the front side, where you can stand or sit in open area, even "high five" with the incoming cable cars, don't hop on at the back, you won't able to feel the views. there is also a cable car museum if you are interested.

 

11. golden gate bridge have two viewing point, north and south, most tourist (travel by tourist bus) can only access the south area, with museum. the north area you must drive or ride a bike to get there.



12. golden gate park is a 3 miles long national park, there is a science museum inside can spend you a day, there are also couple area you need to pay in order to gain access, a green house, a Japanese style garden and a large garden.



13. if you want to ride a bike, there are couple bike cruise companies, some will just circle around the city, some can let you ride across the golden gate bridge, ask what cruise they are offering.



14. visit the city hall for free, you will find some historical things inside, or see some random people get marry there, but there are security check.



15. if you travel on bus/ tram, all run by the company golden gate transit, there is also free wifi on bus, but don't rely on it, get a map on the bus/ tram will show you all the routes within the city.

16. telegraph hill, coit tower will give you 360 view to the city, but if you want to get to the top, you have to pay $7.



17. Ferry Building Marketplace have many cute things

18. if you are unsure, hop on a tourist bus for a quick tour first so you can have a basic understanding of the city, ask for a pass so you can hop on and off anytime you like, once you have a basic understanding of the city, it is easier to plan your route.

have fun!

Apple Inc.

Apple stocks have been around $400 for awhile, i still unable to buy their stocks due to i can only open a saving bank in US, and i do not know how to trade in HK.

Although compare to the highest $700, $400 is attractive, however even the company can shoot over $800, it will only double the streak, the best start-up gigantic 10000% growth have long gone. if this company need to be attractive to the investor now, it has to do at least $1000 a share, will they able to make it? after Steve is gone?

Personal i think Apple's key advantage is it has built up a strong wall, that able to protect the benefits of the users and developers, for a company, "religious like fans" is always a good thing to its earning.

The other thing i really like about this company is they only sell like 4-5 products, they want to perfect their succeeding formula, rather than push out 400-500 new products without quality, i understand Steve's philosophy, if there is one device can do all things, let there be one.

Finally, Warren Buffett always felt unsafe investing in tech stocks, one of the reasons is this industry move so fast, it is unable to predict, however i would add he doesn't invest in tech is because he believe in "ability zone", which he will not touch things he cannot understand, and I.T. is one of those things he cannot understand.

2013 WWDC's tickets have been sold within 2 mins, it is a sign to me, Apple's earning will only go up in the future, not down. Esp. if you know how much cash reserve they have, that they can always have time to wait.

Lastly, Apple's foundation is not trying to sell products, it is trying to affect how human live their lifes, believing every layer of our life can be connected through digital, that's also the reason why he ended up removing the word computer from Apple.

Steve's absolute desire for perfection and control have already injected into this company and i do not believe anyone will able to take away this DNA from its founder. I will not be surprise they will create iTV, iBoat, even iPlane in the future.

愛情進化論

不知是不是近來愈來愈朋友結婚生小朋友, 受到氣氛感染, 所以開始想寫些關於愛情的文章.

我的愛情經驗很少, 但做了30多年人, 總有些感覺看法.

當我十七, 十八歲時, 愛情只是一種感覺, 很愛的感覺很強烈, 不愛就是沒有感覺, 也就是一般女孩所說的: 冇feel.

當我廿一歲時, 回頭一看, 我以為的愛情: 「感覺不存在, 愛情就不存在」的「愛情」其實不是愛情, 充其量只能說是喜歡. 

 

成熟了一點的我認為愛情是一種承諾, 因為承諾了, 之間無論如何困難, 我都一定要做得到, 不論是有感覺的時候, 或是沒有感覺的時候, 我以為這種看法已經很不錯.

 

當我廿三歲時, 又回頭一看,發現承諾也不是愛情, 只不過是一種責任, 看到身邊有些人, 已經不愛也不關心對方, 但因為之前承諾過甚麼甚麼, 也要繼續做戲, 說是愛情, 不如說是對自己的不服氣, 自己明明說做到的, 結果變了, 這種「堅持」是一種自欺, 一種不服輸的自欺, 是從自己出發, 還是自我中心. 

又成熟了一點的我, 更新愛情為是一種關心, 你關心一個人, 你的承諾才有意義, 如果你唔care, 你既承諾又有何相干呢? 我當時認為自己已經很不錯, 因為開始脫離自我.

當我廿五歲時, 我又發現愛情不單只是一種關心, 關心是需要, 也是基礎, 但也可以是單向的, 我開始看見愛情是一種意願, 一種兩個人願意一起走人生路的意願, 這樣的愛情不再以自我為中心, 因為意願是均等的, 是雙向, 而不是一廂情願的, 如果一個人不願意, 沒有人可以迫他/她一起走. 我以為我已經找到了真正的愛情.

當我廿七歲第一次拍拖時, 我第一身經歷愛情, 我感覺到愛情不會只是一種意願, 兩個人行山, 總會有些時候有一個人不願意走, 可能一人認為走夠了, 被其他東西吸引停下, 或是行得太辛苦, 不知為甚麼, 不如就停在這裡吧! 可能當時剛剛成為基督徒, 我開始覺得愛情是一種犧牲, 是一種捨己, 是一種遷就, 如果你真的愛對方, 對方有甚麼不好, 未到位, 遷就一下吧. 我又一次以為我終於得到愛情的真諦.

當我和女朋友分手時, 我發現愛情不能只是一種犧牲, 一種捨己, 一種遷就, 為甚麼我這樣犧牲遷就, 她還是不快樂不理解呢? 我開始認識到, 愛情可能是忍耐, 你要忍耐另一半成長, 另一半的理解, 另一半的接納, 反之亦然. 當一邊理解不了, 接納不了, 愛情就消失了. 我認為下一次我一定會做得更好.

當我三十歲時, 我還是單身, 因為我突然感到愛情對我不太重要, 我已經過了渴望愛情的青年階段, 但我還是思考愛情是甚麼, 因為我知終有一天我也是要面對的.

2012年我看到人的善變, 人性的不可靠, 人因為得不到永恆, 就以一剎那成為永恆的荒謬. 我看到愛情是需要介入, 一種價值觀的介入. 聖經說: 「二人若不同心， 豈能同行呢？」我看到某種真理, 如果兩個人的價值觀不同, 是走不下去的, 如果兩個人的看法不一致, 又如何同路呢? 男想上山, 女的想下山; 男的想發達, 女的只想快樂; 男的想生小孩, 女的不想生小孩; 男的喜歡一大班朋友玩, 女的只想兩個人平靜過日子... 最後都是分手離婚收場.

我還有九日就進入三十一歲了, 根據我從保險學來的數據, 香港男性平均年齡是79歲, 將來應該會更長壽,我的愛情觀應該會繼續進化吧? 不知到我八十歲時, 我對愛情的見解又會是如何呢?